Reactivity - Part 2



So what is it that makes the difference between conflict that, though icky, results in growth and conflict that is just icky? There are lots of ways to look at this, but for now I’m going to focus on the concepts of: reactivity and tolerance.

Reactivity is our response when we feel threatened, particularly when we feel our relationships are threatened. The higher the reactivity, the more emotional we are and the less we are able to be logical and problem solving. High reactivity is when we are “so mad (or sad, hurt, etc) we can’t think straight.”

Tolerance is our ability to remain present and conscious when we’re feeling emotionally triggered. It’s our ability to tolerate discomfort enough to work through it.

The higher the reactivity, the more tolerance it takes for growth to happen. The lower the tolerance, the less reactivity it takes before the wheels come off. Taking the two together, there is a threshold below which conflict can be resolved and growth can happen. That reactivity threshold acts as a tipping point where reactivity will take over and conflict will persist.

Fortunately there are many ways to shift the threshold. Step one is to pause long enough to figure out where you are. If any party to a conflict is above their reactivity threshold, any effort toward conflict resolution is likely to fail. It’s time to focus instead on reducing reactivity and/or increasing tolerance.

My favorite way to lower reactivity is good listening. There is safety in feeling heard and understood. Agreement is not required. Deep listening is of great value in itself. Validation and empathy magnify the impact of deep listening. Ultimately it is hugely powerful for the two people in conflict to hear and be heard by one another, but when reactivity is high, the first step is often for a trusted person outside the conflict to be the listener.

Listening is itself a slightly tricky concept in our culture. Often we experience listening to simply mean “be quiet”. In school listening often means being ready to respond, so rather than taking in information we focus on preparing the right answer. Neither of these is really listening. One way to make sure that actual listening is happening (and that the speaker feels listened to) is for the listener to repeat back to the speaker what they heard. This practice is part of many communication systems. Imago Relationships calls it “mirroring”. You may also have heard “active listening” or “reflecting”.

As you listen, there is a good chance you will find clues about how to further reduce reactivity, increase connection and resolve conflict. My bet is you’ll grow a little in the process, which is perhaps the best gift of all.

Happy Listening!

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