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Legal vs Community Documents

In my experience, most communities have both legal documents and community documents and it is worth doing some thinking about how and when to use each. Different communities approach this differently. The challenge comes when different members of that same community approach this differently. That tends to be a recipe for strong disagreements and hurt feelings. I’ll start with a true short story that demonstrates the range of thinking about legal documents. A cohousing resident was concerned about the thousands of dollars her community was spending on attorney fees each year and the impact of the legal advice on community relationships. She called a nearby cohousing community to ask about their attorney. “We don’t have an attorney.” they answered, “But we have had a therapist.” It should be noted that I am a community process consultant, not an attorney, and that bias is likely to show in my thoughts below. That said, I do think legal documents are important and that it is worth t...
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A Story about a Neighbor

Yesterday I met a new neighbor who  was quickly revealed to be a kindred spirit, sharing much of what I value about cohousing.  She told me a story from her Islamic faith that resonated for me. There was a man, the story goes, who was visited by his neighbor.  The neighbor had fallen on hard times and though he had tried to find a solution himself, was now desperate for a loan. The amount of money the neighbor needed to save his home was equal to everything the man had. After he’d given his savings to his neighbor the man’s wife noticed that he was upset. “Are you afraid he won’t be able to pay the money back?” she asked. “No, said the man. I’m devastated that my neighbor was in such desperate need and I didn’t know.” That is what cohousing is all about.  It is about knowing our neighbors and being aware of their need.  It is also about believing and trusting in abundance. It is about investing in each other with our time, talents, and sometimes money wit...
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A Child's Smile

I was in a restaurant this morning when a small child, perhaps two years old, peeked over the back of her booth and waved at me.  You know the kind, great big eyes, curious and enchanted and ready to connect with whatever human being appears before them. I waved back and was rewarded with a huge grin. It was a grin of authenticity and accomplishment, the satisfaction of a deep need being met. It is the proof, if I needed any, that we humans are made for connection. We are born to this. It is our birthright, our talent and our deepest need. Connection is natural and effortless for infants, and for two year olds peeking about in restaurants.   The sad odds are that the contagious grin won’t last. The little girl will be taught not to speak to strangers, to only wave at those she knows, to track a complex system of social norms that will keep her from waving and making eye contact with the people who cross her path.  She will grow up and become like the 30 oth...
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Master Talk

The term “master talk” refers to any statement of a universal, authoritative or unquestionable truth. Examples include “Everyone knows that . . . “, “Experts agree that . . .”, and “It’s obvious that . . .” I recently experienced master talk and was struck by the intensity of my response as well as the many layers of my reaction. I got curious enough to do a little internal exploring. This is the story of what I found. I had facilitated a meeting and in a small group debrief afterward, there was mention of a method I had used and felt was successful. A colleague's response was, “We’ve had several consultants tell us that method never works.” It didn’t occur to me in the moment that this was master talk, though it  was. What I was aware of in the moment was a visceral feeling of being shut down and judged. My sense of success and accomplishment vanished, and I entered a mental space in which my method was no longer valid. Effectively I was telling myself that my experience and ...
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Ponder

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This morning I woke early. I ventured out into the cool morning, taking in birdsong and the sweet smell of fresh air. I stepped barefoot on to the lawn, noting the gentle prickle of the blades of grass, supported by a cushioning moss beneath my feet. I hiked over the hill to a nearby pond, the muscles in my legs unused to the slope, making me aware of the effort. I took my time and absorbed the sound of the wind in the trees. As I approached the pond, I saw I wasn’t the only one enjoying the breeze. Hawks were riding its currents far above. The water rippled under its force, catching the dawn light and scattering it about. The layered shades of grey in the sky were shifting, moving and recreating themselves moment by moment. Behind the foothills, the sun climbed, trying to make itself seen. A bright patch of sky promised another day. I didn’t see the sun itself. The clouds won that contest and as I finished my yoga with a bit of meditation, a sprinkle of rain fell, dropping gen...
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Reactivity - Part 2

So what is it that makes the difference between conflict that, though icky, results in growth and conflict that is just icky? There are lots of ways to look at this, but for now I’m going to focus on the concepts of: reactivity and tolerance. Reactivity is our response when we feel threatened, particularly when we feel our relationships are threatened. The higher the reactivity, the more emotional we are and the less we are able to be logical and problem solving. High reactivity is when we are “so mad (or sad, hurt, etc) we can’t think straight.” Tolerance is our ability to remain present and conscious when we’re feeling emotionally triggered. It’s our ability to tolerate discomfort enough to work through it. The higher the reactivity, the more tolerance it takes for growth to happen. The lower the tolerance, the less reactivity it takes before the wheels come off. Taking the two together, there is a threshold below which conflict can be resolved and growth can happen. That reacti...
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Reactivity - Part 1

Reactivity - Part 1 We humans are born with a pretty good handle on our basic physical needs. If an infant’s airway gets blocked, she coughs. If she is hungry she cries. As we arrive in the world with our instinctive, reptilian brain pretty well developed, we get to work on the emotional and relational part of our brain. Scientists call this part of our brain the mammalian brain or limbic system. They think that most of the wiring for this part of our brain happens in the first 7 years or so. In those early days, we observe those around us. We learn to read facial expressions and tones of voice. We learn which behaviors are acceptable and rewarded in our tribe and which are not. We learn through often painful experience how to protect ourselves. Relationship is an essential requirement in human survival, so our early childhood brain development is all about figuring out how to maintain relationships by studying and interacting with the people around us. This is a good system, with one...
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