Cohousing Facilitator

The term “master talk” refers to any statement of a universal, authoritative or unquestionable truth. Examples include “Everyone knows that . . . “, “Experts agree that . . .”, and “It’s obvious that . . .” I recently experienced master talk and was struck by the intensity of my response as well as the many layers of my reaction. I got curious enough to do a little internal exploring. This is the story of what I found. I had facilitated a meeting and in a small group debrief afterward, there was mention of a method I had used and felt was successful. A colleague's response was, “We’ve had several consultants tell us that method never works.” It didn’t occur to me in the moment that this was master talk, though it  was. What I was aware of in the moment was a visceral feeling of being shut down and judged. My sense of success and accomplishment vanished, and I entered a mental space in which my method was no longer valid. Effectively I was telling myself that my experience and ...

This morning I woke early. I ventured out into the cool morning, taking in birdsong and the sweet smell of fresh air. I stepped barefoot on to the lawn, noting the gentle prickle of the blades of grass, supported by a cushioning moss beneath my feet. I hiked over the hill to a nearby pond, the muscles in my legs unused to the slope, making me aware of the effort. I took my time and absorbed the sound of the wind in the trees. As I approached the pond, I saw I wasn’t the only one enjoying the breeze. Hawks were riding its currents far above. The water rippled under its force, catching the dawn light and scattering it about. The layered shades of grey in the sky were shifting, moving and recreating themselves moment by moment. Behind the foothills, the sun climbed, trying to make itself seen. A bright patch of sky promised another day. I didn’t see the sun itself. The clouds won that contest and as I finished my yoga with a bit of meditation, a sprinkle of rain fell, dropping gen...

So what is it that makes the difference between conflict that, though icky, results in growth and conflict that is just icky? There are lots of ways to look at this, but for now I’m going to focus on the concepts of: reactivity and tolerance. Reactivity is our response when we feel threatened, particularly when we feel our relationships are threatened. The higher the reactivity, the more emotional we are and the less we are able to be logical and problem solving. High reactivity is when we are “so mad (or sad, hurt, etc) we can’t think straight.” Tolerance is our ability to remain present and conscious when we’re feeling emotionally triggered. It’s our ability to tolerate discomfort enough to work through it. The higher the reactivity, the more tolerance it takes for growth to happen. The lower the tolerance, the less reactivity it takes before the wheels come off. Taking the two together, there is a threshold below which conflict can be resolved and growth can happen. That reacti...