Cohousing Facilitator

Among the “4 P’s” of cohousing conflict (participation, parking, parenting and pets), perhaps the most intensely emotional is parenting. Parents often enter cohousing with high hopes for the relationships our kids will have, the social skills they will gain, and a constant utopian playground filled with friends and warm fuzzies. For most kids the relationships and social skills are pretty reliable, but it turns out the playgrounds sometimes contain as many challenges and conflicts as friends and warm fuzzies. When that happens, feeling get hurt, kids cry and stomp home, and parents’ love, fears, and loyalty get triggered. Nothing gets us riled up quite so quickly as our kids. While there are many values one can expect to share with cohousing neighbors, parenting style isn’t one of them. When conflict happens between kids, it can easily escalate to conflict between parents as differences in parenting emerge. For most parents one of the benefits of cohousing is the opportunity for ch...

What to avoid when a member leaves a group and what to try instead Every departure is different and these ideas will apply more to some situations than others. As I’m writing, I’m particularly thinking of what happens when a core member of a group leaves because the group makes a decision or moves in a direction that doesn’t work for the individual member. In painful situations like these we tend toward familiar behavior patterns even though there is usually something we could do instead that would help our community heal and come out of the experience more connected than before. AVOID trying to talk them out of it. If they’ve invested time and money in the community, it’s a safe bet they have thought a lot about their decision to leave. Trying to talk them out of it risks pushing them further away and increasing hard feelings. INSTEAD listen a lot. Listening is a profound expression of care. This is a painful moment for everyone, especially for the person leaving. Taking time to ...

It’s the first question newcomers ask when introduced to consensus (or consent) decision-making: What if you just can’t agree? My answer is usually, “That’s when the really good stuff happens!” It is too. It’s when we are pushed to be thoughtful, collaborative and creative and find solutions no one has thought of yet. Most of us have experienced that, but sadly most have us have also experienced gridlock. Whether we’re locking horns or passively standing our ground, we get stuck, feelings get hurt, process grinds to a halt and cohousing isn’t quite so wonderful anymore. Mostly this happens when the other guy is too stubborn or spiteful or passionate to see reason. Whichever it is, the issue is that they are so caught up in their emotions that logic gets lost and we can’t get anywhere. If that’s your story, you are probably right. Odds are that the other guy is also telling that same story about you. They are probably right too. The truth is, we humans are emotional critters. We’re wi...

Why is connection so elusive? How can something so universally needed and desired be so difficult to attain in a richly resourced culture like the United States? Especially, how can it be difficult among members of an intentional cohousing community? I believe there are two essential elements lacking in our broader culture and co-housing provides 1½ of them.   The first element is time.  Deep connection depends on trust and a sense of safety. Humans, like most mammals, need time to build trust. For some that time is measured in months and years of observing and interacting with another. For most of us, I believe that our willingness to trust is built in the tally of minutes and hours spent face to face coming to know each other, sometimes over months, and sometimes within a day or two. This is why many people in their 40’s and 50’s still count their college roommates as their closest friends. We never again, perhaps aside from a spouse, spend that kind of time with another per...