Parenting in Cohousing
Among the “4 P’s” of cohousing conflict (participation, parking, parenting and pets), perhaps the most intensely emotional is parenting. Parents often enter cohousing with high hopes for the relationships our kids will have, the social skills they will gain, and a constant utopian playground filled with friends and warm fuzzies. For most kids the relationships and social skills are pretty reliable, but it turns out the playgrounds sometimes contain as many challenges and conflicts as friends and warm fuzzies. When that happens, feeling get hurt, kids cry and stomp home, and parents’ love, fears, and loyalty get triggered. Nothing gets us riled up quite so quickly as our kids.
While there are many values one can expect to share with cohousing neighbors, parenting style isn’t one of them. When conflict happens between kids, it can easily escalate to conflict between parents as differences in parenting emerge. For most parents one of the benefits of cohousing is the opportunity for children to be watched over by many adults, but this can shift quickly if another adult says something that the child’s parent perceives as being harsh or unfair.
Communities struggling to find solutions often look to policy. Perhaps we place limits on what can be said by an adult to a child who is not their own or we define a criteria for when to bring in the parents of the children involved. Maybe each parent is limited to speaking to their own child. While such policies can be helpful, especially for de-escalating conflict in the short term, in the end, they often fall short. At their core, they limit the very interactions and village parenting most of us hoped for when we joined our communities.
The key to finding a solution may be to re-think the problem. If the core issue is what happens when kids are in conflict with each other, the solution is less about what we want adults to do and more about what we hope for our kids. Namely, we want our kids to have the skills to resolve, or avoid, their own conflicts without needing to turn to parents or other adults all the time. If this is the goal, the solution is figuring out how to respond to kids complaints in ways that help them gain skills.
This is challenging because in our broader American culture adults generally respond to kids in conflict by determining blame, suggesting a resolution and requiring an apology. This process rarely addresses the emotions involved, frequently misses the actual cause of the conflict and worst of all, does nothing to model the listening and empathy that are core skills of conflict resolution and friendship. The result is a generation of children who lack the tools needed to resolve conflict and instead rely on authority figures to solve their problems.
Fortunately tools exist to help kids become independent in working out their problems while practicing relationship skills that will serve them for a lifetime. One such tool is Imago Dialogue, designed by Harville Hendrix and described in his bestselling book Getting the Love you Want. Originally for couples, the tool is also highly effective for children. Furthermore, it is a method a community can adopt for adults to use when supporting kids through conflict.
You can find the basics of Imago Dialogue in any of Hendrix’s books, including Giving the Love that Heals, which is written for parents. If you want your whole community to participate, the most efficient way to get started is to bring in an Imago-trained facilitator or therapist to teach a workshop for kids and parents. My 90-minute workshop “Working It Out” is one example. It can be followed by a session teaching adults how to support kids as they learn the model.
The return on investment is limitless. Children begin to solve their own problems, bringing complaints to adults less often. Problems are resolved in ways that keep children on the playground enjoying each other rather than stomping home. Friendships deepen, cliques are less likely to form, play becomes more collaborative and creative. The tools find their way into individuals homes and conflicts within families are reduced.
As an added benefit, the likelihood that conflicts between children will escalate into conflicts among parents drops dramatically as the community has an agreed process for supporting kids in conflict that does not blame any child or rely on the judgement of any adult. Every parent has watched from a distance as conflict began to emerge among children. Do you find yourself bracing for the moment when tearful and angry children will ask you to take sides? Imagine watching from a distance as those children pause, listen to one another, find a solution and get back to their play and laughter.
While there are many values one can expect to share with cohousing neighbors, parenting style isn’t one of them. When conflict happens between kids, it can easily escalate to conflict between parents as differences in parenting emerge. For most parents one of the benefits of cohousing is the opportunity for children to be watched over by many adults, but this can shift quickly if another adult says something that the child’s parent perceives as being harsh or unfair.
Communities struggling to find solutions often look to policy. Perhaps we place limits on what can be said by an adult to a child who is not their own or we define a criteria for when to bring in the parents of the children involved. Maybe each parent is limited to speaking to their own child. While such policies can be helpful, especially for de-escalating conflict in the short term, in the end, they often fall short. At their core, they limit the very interactions and village parenting most of us hoped for when we joined our communities.
The key to finding a solution may be to re-think the problem. If the core issue is what happens when kids are in conflict with each other, the solution is less about what we want adults to do and more about what we hope for our kids. Namely, we want our kids to have the skills to resolve, or avoid, their own conflicts without needing to turn to parents or other adults all the time. If this is the goal, the solution is figuring out how to respond to kids complaints in ways that help them gain skills.
This is challenging because in our broader American culture adults generally respond to kids in conflict by determining blame, suggesting a resolution and requiring an apology. This process rarely addresses the emotions involved, frequently misses the actual cause of the conflict and worst of all, does nothing to model the listening and empathy that are core skills of conflict resolution and friendship. The result is a generation of children who lack the tools needed to resolve conflict and instead rely on authority figures to solve their problems.
Fortunately tools exist to help kids become independent in working out their problems while practicing relationship skills that will serve them for a lifetime. One such tool is Imago Dialogue, designed by Harville Hendrix and described in his bestselling book Getting the Love you Want. Originally for couples, the tool is also highly effective for children. Furthermore, it is a method a community can adopt for adults to use when supporting kids through conflict.
You can find the basics of Imago Dialogue in any of Hendrix’s books, including Giving the Love that Heals, which is written for parents. If you want your whole community to participate, the most efficient way to get started is to bring in an Imago-trained facilitator or therapist to teach a workshop for kids and parents. My 90-minute workshop “Working It Out” is one example. It can be followed by a session teaching adults how to support kids as they learn the model.
The return on investment is limitless. Children begin to solve their own problems, bringing complaints to adults less often. Problems are resolved in ways that keep children on the playground enjoying each other rather than stomping home. Friendships deepen, cliques are less likely to form, play becomes more collaborative and creative. The tools find their way into individuals homes and conflicts within families are reduced.
As an added benefit, the likelihood that conflicts between children will escalate into conflicts among parents drops dramatically as the community has an agreed process for supporting kids in conflict that does not blame any child or rely on the judgement of any adult. Every parent has watched from a distance as conflict began to emerge among children. Do you find yourself bracing for the moment when tearful and angry children will ask you to take sides? Imagine watching from a distance as those children pause, listen to one another, find a solution and get back to their play and laughter.
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