Saying Goodbye
What to avoid when a member leaves a group and what to try instead
Every departure is different and these ideas will apply more to some situations than others. As I’m writing, I’m particularly thinking of what happens when a core member of a group leaves because the group makes a decision or moves in a direction that doesn’t work for the individual member. In painful situations like these we tend toward familiar behavior patterns even though there is usually something we could do instead that would help our community heal and come out of the experience more connected than before.
AVOID trying to talk them out of it. If they’ve invested time and money in the community, it’s a safe bet they have thought a lot about their decision to leave. Trying to talk them out of it risks pushing them further away and increasing hard feelings.
INSTEAD listen a lot. Listening is a profound expression of care. This is a painful moment for everyone, especially for the person leaving. Taking time to hear their thoughts and feelings is a healing gift. Pay particular attention if the issue seems more relational (That person is too hard to work with.) than substantive (I can’t afford that cost.) as it may be a sign of remaining problems for the group.
AVOID blame and judgement. When we are hurting it is very tempting to point fingers and look for explanations. If we aren’t careful this turns to blame. Whether directed at the person leaving, or those who stayed, blame is always toxic to relationships. The way we respond in stressful situations will either build or diminish trust in the group.
INSTEAD grieve and appreciate. Set aside time to be together as a community, including the departing members if possible. Do this apart from any business meeting or work party. Take time to share appreciations and feelings. One method would be a sharing circle in which each person takes time to share on the prompts “What I appreciate about you in our community . . . OR “What I appreciate about this community as I leave . . “ AND “What I’m feeling is . . .”
AVOID rushing to “make a clean break” which can push the person out more quickly.
INSTEAD invite them to hand off their projects and pass on their knowledge, documents and passwords. Leave the door open for their ideas, social connections and even a possible return to the group.
AVOID ignoring the situation. Yes, you have so much business to attend to, even more now that your workforce is diminished. No one wants to talk about unpleasantness anyway. Don’t be lulled into thinking you can just go on. These things tend to keep getting in the way while they are being “ignored”.
INSTEAD take time with the remaining group to talk about feelings including sadness over loss and hope and fears for the future. Remind yourselves of the vision you share and the reasons you all joined your community to begin with. In short, reconnect to each other and to your mission as a changed but still vital group.
AVOID catastrophizing. Losing a member can be tough, especially if they have carried a lot of the workload, but remember that relying too heavily on any one person is never healthy for a community. INSTEAD Talk about the transition in terms of the work to done, leadership and finances. Make changes that need to be made and be ready to move forward.
AVOID expectations to be back to “normal” right away. Transitions take time.
INSTEAD give it some time and consider getting help from a facilitator or therapist if the group continues to lack cohesion for more than a few weeks.
Every departure is different and these ideas will apply more to some situations than others. As I’m writing, I’m particularly thinking of what happens when a core member of a group leaves because the group makes a decision or moves in a direction that doesn’t work for the individual member. In painful situations like these we tend toward familiar behavior patterns even though there is usually something we could do instead that would help our community heal and come out of the experience more connected than before.
AVOID trying to talk them out of it. If they’ve invested time and money in the community, it’s a safe bet they have thought a lot about their decision to leave. Trying to talk them out of it risks pushing them further away and increasing hard feelings.
INSTEAD listen a lot. Listening is a profound expression of care. This is a painful moment for everyone, especially for the person leaving. Taking time to hear their thoughts and feelings is a healing gift. Pay particular attention if the issue seems more relational (That person is too hard to work with.) than substantive (I can’t afford that cost.) as it may be a sign of remaining problems for the group.
AVOID blame and judgement. When we are hurting it is very tempting to point fingers and look for explanations. If we aren’t careful this turns to blame. Whether directed at the person leaving, or those who stayed, blame is always toxic to relationships. The way we respond in stressful situations will either build or diminish trust in the group.
INSTEAD grieve and appreciate. Set aside time to be together as a community, including the departing members if possible. Do this apart from any business meeting or work party. Take time to share appreciations and feelings. One method would be a sharing circle in which each person takes time to share on the prompts “What I appreciate about you in our community . . . OR “What I appreciate about this community as I leave . . “ AND “What I’m feeling is . . .”
AVOID rushing to “make a clean break” which can push the person out more quickly.
INSTEAD invite them to hand off their projects and pass on their knowledge, documents and passwords. Leave the door open for their ideas, social connections and even a possible return to the group.
AVOID ignoring the situation. Yes, you have so much business to attend to, even more now that your workforce is diminished. No one wants to talk about unpleasantness anyway. Don’t be lulled into thinking you can just go on. These things tend to keep getting in the way while they are being “ignored”.
INSTEAD take time with the remaining group to talk about feelings including sadness over loss and hope and fears for the future. Remind yourselves of the vision you share and the reasons you all joined your community to begin with. In short, reconnect to each other and to your mission as a changed but still vital group.
AVOID catastrophizing. Losing a member can be tough, especially if they have carried a lot of the workload, but remember that relying too heavily on any one person is never healthy for a community. INSTEAD Talk about the transition in terms of the work to done, leadership and finances. Make changes that need to be made and be ready to move forward.
AVOID expectations to be back to “normal” right away. Transitions take time.
INSTEAD give it some time and consider getting help from a facilitator or therapist if the group continues to lack cohesion for more than a few weeks.
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